Nothing like a novel of my life

This blog entry has been in the making for a long, long, long time and I credit my friend J Biz in TO for encouraging me to continue posting my bulls hit stories and idiosyncrasies. So if there ever was a dedication on a blog – as there is in books and film – this is it. Thanks brother.

Now, given that it has been around 14 months since my last entry, you may want to put on a pot of coffee and take ‘er easy. Of course don’t drink so much coffee that the end result is a ‘bathroom incident.’ Just you know, relax, kick off your shoes, put your feet up and enjoy the hilarity, or weirdness…I don’t care what you call it. By the way, I am offering a good tip here for any occasion where you need to shut someone down if they are railing on you for any number of things: tardiness, declining an invitation, peer pressure etc. You simply respond, “uhhh uhh (clearing throat), there was a bathroom incident.” (see below youtube clip)

So where did I go for the past while? Have I been bottling up all this insidious rage inside me, just waiting for an opportunity to join the nearest Mixed Martial Arts gym? Not exactly, no. The truth is I have been expressing a lot of my thoughts in sort of agenda-like forum discussions with my friend sunny at our lunch time meetings. I believe that has come to an end however (not our lunches but just the idea of writing up an agenda) and I am once again looking at a therapeutic medium to release various thoughts, ideas and yes, my good ally, the idiosyncrasy. Now, I can’t promise exactly that these blog postings will contain as much private and confidential material as the 1 on 1 sunny lunches, but it should still prove to be stimulating reading, right? Please agree to that last part in order to continue, as part of your consent form.

First, allow me to say I have no idea which direction my life will take in three different avenues – marriage, work, and travel. All three of these variables could be very much in play in the coming years for good, bad, and wild. This of course contradicts the 30 year plan my Ma had for me and preaches about on a weekly basis. One must be a free spirit, however, and I cannot bow to the pressures of suburban living, 30 year job security, sensible safe travels and the like. Where is the adventure, the spontaneity, the gumption? I mean, damnit, without these, you might as well put me in the sleeper hold (first WWF reference of blog post) and choke me out.


Utterly miscellaneous:

-I find it annoying when I try to combine a request with a statement. Observe the following:
“Would it be possible to forward this inquiry to her as I do not have her e-mail.”
Now, what do I do here for punctuation? The question part is at the beginning, so would a question mark at the end make sense? And for you smart cookies that say to use a semi-colon, well you can just go fly a big old kite.

-I have an inelastic demand for the following items in life: coca-cola, bananas, and my Rogers services (internet, cable)

-I enjoy cds from artists such as Steve Tyrell, Phil Collins, Enya. So what, big whoop, wanna fight about it?

-In my job, when I have to write to outside clients that are women, I never put Ms. or Mrs. and just use their first name. For men, however, I sometimes put Mr. instead of their first name. Truth is I don’t want to offend women by putting Ms. (offends the single spinster who always wanted to marry but for some reason it didn’t happen) or Mrs. (single spinster who is a serious feminist and says death to men, I don’t need a husband). Can’t really win one way or another.

-At work, I now say merci and not thanks when people hold doors for me or let me go first. I figure I am covered either way.

-I find there aren’t enough bars or places where you can go and relax and have a quiet drink. Most places are full of idiots or the tables are so close together. Downtown I expect this, but in the suburbs where rent is lower, I’d expect some quiet time.

-Things to think about before having kids. You got to have these two decisions nailed down before the kids arrive. At what age do they stop wearing sweat pants and cheap clothing and get to look respectable (much to the demise of your bank account btw)? And at what age are they given cellphones? Don’t come talk to me about the little sandwich grabbers until those things are squared away.

-I am glad I bought three things this year: my new camel Dockers winter parka, the iphone, and snow tires, which have made driving a whole lot easier in winter. Sorry pa, I got to say this is one case where I am glad I didn’t listen. For more on the iphone purchase, see below, or stop reading now and live a cursed existence, aha.

-Two interesting websites I have found recently are 123people.ca and ratemyemployer.ca. Now while the latter is self-explanatory, the first was a real eye opener. This website will assimilate all the crap on the internet that has ever come of your meagre existence. Just type in the person’s name and cue the ‘Are you Afraid of the Dark’ theme music. This stuff has letters that I have wrote to the newspaper years ago…

-How do permutation/combinations work. For you math people, this harkens back to the days of ‘Finite Math’, which ceased to exist in that name following the OAC year. Where this applies is my curiosity about how safe 4 digit pins are. Ie. If you have dust and went around blowing this on garage door openers and some phones, could you figure out the code? Depends I guess on how much time the criminal has. I hope there is a sufficient amount of combinations that it is nearly impossible.

-P.S. I am well aware that the pro-wrestling industry’s premier company is now WWE, and not WWF. But I just don’t like animals enough to give the default WWF to the World Wildlife Fund.

-I continue to make quarterly trips to Ogdensburg, NY, where things just work and life is good. Recent success stories include a few cds and a nose/ear hair trimmer shipped from Amazon, as well as my usual gorging at the local McDonalds and donuts at Price Chopper grocery store. I mean, the UPS store was even closed when I went, but the guy saw me from inside and unlocked it and went to get my packages. Nice folks.

-How much importance do you place on manners and civility in society. I myself place a large emphasis on this and can be seen on the town being generally helpful and kind to people. One bad interaction can ruin my day, however. For those people who insist on being goons, they should be pushed, or at very least, spoken to.

-I find my neighbourhood humorous. The scuz level is unmistakeable but this adds to the charm of the neighbourhood as the people are generally harmless. It isn’t like the old Vanier, Byward Market area where your safety and property are compromised. With my neighborhood you just sit back and enjoy the ride. The people can be quite friendly as well. Two stores are the epitome of this character. One is Loblaws at Carlingwood Mall where the lessons of capitalism and economics seem lost on them. They actually are the only grocery store I know that has rails on the outside of the store so you cannot take a shopping cart to your car. Hmmm what does this engender? Well the answer is light shopping loads, which translates to less revenue for the store. “ NO no, don’t buy too much now. You’ll have to carry whatever you bought from the door to your car.” This isn’t NYC either. People brought their dang cars to the store to do some shopping! The other store is the Metro/Wal-Mart which is a unique combination of stores that share the same rental space – an old style mall with an inside, as opposed to the new age street-front malls that discourage loitering and other public mischief. Of course I like me some loitering, so you can assume I am not a fan of this new architecture.

-My new office is quite cool to the touch and I mean this literally, and not figuratively. They are not heating it too well. The bathroom is the most frigid place, next to outside. It is like the Port Authority. So to my amazement, I sometimes arrive at a sink to find that the person before me has set the switch to all cold, rather than all hot. This person should be tracked down.


Now back to the meat and potatoes of this blog posting. I bought a god d amn, effin’ iphone. What do you think of that? After many months or grueling research and pestering of my M, my bro-in-law I finally pulled the trigger. No word yet if I can expect Telus to screw me on the bill. So far so good. Anyway, I enjoy the phone quite a bit and factor in that I am only using like 10% of its capable features, and it was a good move. Soon, I will get my itunes on, and maybe even my desktop comp on from Apple as well. I actually feel richer with the phone, which is maybe a snobby thing to say, but that’s what apple users are, let’s face it. We are a bunch of fan boys running amok in a hoity-toity society.

I find a big calamity of modern living and communications is that there is too much info out there and not enough time. I enjoy listening to podcasts of cfra news (‘The Chatroom’) and Tvo news (‘The Agenda’) and even though they have removed the commercials, it is hard getting through a combined 10 shows a week. Factor in e-mail, texting and sports columns, along with local news and issues, and one barely has enough time to show up at work. I basically need to set limits and cut things out of my daily routine.On this topic, I find that many people cope by not replying to e-mails and I for one do not intend to take this path. Unfortunately, 2011 was a real bad year for ratio of e-mail sent to received, and 2012 is not going well either. I blame Sunny for this mostly.

So I hear that a trade organization is recommending that service staff in restaurants and the like receive greater tips; they want people to move from a 15% average to 20%. I wonder if this will gain traction and if it does, are we set to collapse as a society? Do people have the extra cash prepared to start spending more money on food. I mean, people are now borrowing 1.5 x their disposable income. Just recognize that a tipping increase to 20% would represent a rise in living standards for servers. They want a bigger slice of the pie since higher menu prices already reflect a cost of living allowance increase.

Now for a fun activity. How do you allocate your national budget these days? You really should have one, you know. And it’s too bad if you haven’t laid it out like I have done. I present below my 2012 national budget!

2012 will be a year of rationing on some items and splurging on others. While 2011 saw some financial flexibility for experimentation of many different hygiene products, 2012 will see a more even-tempered allocation for this dept. I have more or less learned what I like, what works etc. I speak of things such as shampoos, gum, moisturizer, soap, sunscreen, toothpaste.

2012 will see significant expenditures on travel and we should expect to see this show up in the income statement towards the end of the year, crossing over into 2013

2012 will see a rather steady amount allocated to food and restaurant expenditures, keeping in line with the amounts forecast and realized in previous years. McDonalds, Loblaws, Metro and Wal-Mart will be key drivers.

2012 continues to see constant spending allocated to transportation, as my monthly car payments continue until April of 2013. This is the epitome of a fixed cost.

2012 has seen a slight increase in monthly telecom fees, as Rogers has upped their rates $2 a piece for cable and internet, which is acceptable. Most notable, however, is the acquisition of the iphone, which carries with it a $50 monthly plan before tax. This could jump to $58 if I am not able to renew the free caller ID feature in 2013. Negotiations for a new contract on this particular clause will begin later this year when I call Telus. In any event, I was paying a combined $44 with my PC mobile and Bell home phone line, both of which are at the end of their terms.

While in 2011 I underwent some moderate spending on boots, coats and summer clothes, in 2012, I will be looking at investing in some quality pants (Eddie Bauer hopefully if they have the right fits and sizing and colours) that are versatile and most importantly comfortable. Who wants to wear tight-ass pants that chafe the crotch? Not I.

2012 could see some variation in housing expenses, depending on whether I stay at Ambleside or find a more posh domicile whether that be in a townhome in suburbs or a condo/apt more central.

2012 will be a year for investing in technology. It could see a new desktop computer, new speakers and if the lodging changes, a possible violation of the personal contract established with the 27 inch CRT Panasonic TV. This is unlikely though, as it would be prudent to align some other pieces in the budget before acquiring such a large ticket item.2012 will continue to have a small petty cash account for pharmaceutical aids such as aspirin, Tylenol, sinus medication etc. No large cash outlays expected.


That is all. So long all.